i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
