I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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