If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
