What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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