guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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