So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
