Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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