just tell him i said nine months
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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