I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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