I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
