My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You ruined the universe
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
