I wish my penis had an off switch
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
