i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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