he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
