I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
