Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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