Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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