no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
