I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
