you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize