I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
