your parents love me but you hate me
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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