If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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