the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize