So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
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