he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
