Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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