Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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