Apparently you make a good broom.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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