i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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