so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
