you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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