Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
