I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
