I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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