dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
