You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
