everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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