I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Randomize
