He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize