I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
