Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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