My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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