I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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