Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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