Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
My vagina is very pro this idea
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize