Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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