I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
