I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
