Did you just see the Batmobile???
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
