My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
