Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
