Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize