We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I am spending my child support on dildos
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize