i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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