I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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