you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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