I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
