My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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