I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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