just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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