yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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