I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
nutella sex= disaster
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
